Feeling angry–and, sometimes, the act of blaming-is a natural and necessary part of accepting loss and change-of grieving. We can allow ourselves and others to become angry as we move from denial toward acceptance.
As we come to terms with loss and change, we may blame ourselves, our Higher Power, or others. The person may be connected to the loss, or he or she may be an innocent bystander. We may hear ourselves say: “If only he would have done that…. If I wouldn’t have done that….Why didn’t God do it differently?…” We know that blame doesn’t help. In recovery, the watchwords are self-responsibility and personal accountability, not blame. Ultimately, surrender and self-responsibility are the only concepts that can move us forward, but to get there we may need to allow ourselves to feel angry and to occasionally indulge in some blaming.
It is helpful, in dealing with others, to remember that they, too, may need to go through their angry stage to achieve acceptance. To not allow others , or ourselves, to go through anger and blame may slow down the grief process. Trust ourselves and the grief process. We won’t stay angry forever. but we may need to get mad for a while as we search over what could have been , to finally accept what is.