Few things can make us feel crazier than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give. Few things can frustrate us more than trying to make a person he or she isn’t; we feel crazy when we try to pretend that a person is someone he or she is not. We may have spent years negotiating with reality concerning particular people from our past and present. We may have spent years trying to get someone to love us in a certain way, when that person cannot or will not.
It is time to let go. It is time to let him or her go. That doesn’t mean we can’t love that person anymore. It means that we will feel the immense relief that comes when we stop denying reality and begin accepting. We release that person to be who he or she actually is. We stop trying to make that person be someone he or she is not. We deal with our feelings and walk away from the destructive system of trying to control someone or something over which we have no power. We begin to make healthy choices for ourselves.
We learn to love and care differently.
We enter into a relationship with that person on new terms– taking ourselves and our needs into account. If a person is addicted to alcohol, other drugs, misery, or other people, we let go of his or her addiction. We take our hands off of it. We give his or her life back. We no longer feel the need to change them. We can stay or go as we see fit. We can set healthy boundaries. And, in the process, we are given our life and freedom in return.
We stop letting what we are not getting from that person control us. We take responsibility for our own life. We go ahead with the process of loving and taking care of ourselves.
We decide how we want to interact with that person, taking reality and our own best interests into account. We may get angry, we may feel hurt, but we land in a place of forgiveness. In setting him or her free, we become set free from bondage.
This is the heart of detaching in love. This is the heart of loving ourselves.